at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
