I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
