a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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