Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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