there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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