fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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