i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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