Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
