she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
