I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
