my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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