at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
