i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
