so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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