My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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