your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my vag is so smooth its legendary
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
