Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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