It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
