I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i was born a porn star she said
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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