how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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