She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
