its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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