Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
