she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
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