I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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