Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
