You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
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