Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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