Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
