Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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