***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
