Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
