doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
