did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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