note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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