fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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