Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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