Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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