I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
