omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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