Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
