I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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