I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
