the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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