Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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