So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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