really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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