I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
And then he peed in my hair
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