This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
