i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
