I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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